Compiled by Hanlie Wentzel on 2 April 2014.
Fly True Temperament Parenting
“Train up a child in the way he should go (and in keeping with his individual gift or bent), and when he is old he will not depart from it.” – Prov. 22: 6 (Ampl)
‘ Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to the point of resentment with demands that are trivial or unreasonable or humiliating or abusive; nor by showing favoritism or indifference to any of them], but bring them up [tenderly, with loving-kindness] in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.’ – Eph. 6:4 (Ampl)
“And how from your childhood you have had a knowledge of and been acquainted with the sacred Writings, which are able to instruct you and give you the understanding for salvation which comes through faith in Christ Jesus (through the leaning of the entire human personality on God in Christ Jesus in abslolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom and goodness.)” – 2 Tim. 3:15
It is comforting to know that God has created your child with his or her specific temperament, uniquely woven in the mother’s womb, equipped with everything your child will need to fulfill his or her purpose and destiny in life.
Every temperament has a unique set of strengths, giftings, aptitudes, abilities and even spiritual gifts. Learn to delight in your child’s strengths, and help them to overcome their weaknesses and to develop in the areas that they are not naturally gifted or strong, growing your child’s coping skills and personality.
Above all, build your child’s character, help your child to see who they are in Christ.
Train up your child, in the way he should go and in keeping with his individual gift or bent, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
Overview of Fly True Childhood Temperaments
(Early Childhood: ages 4-8)
– a TIME and a SEASON for every PURPOSE under heaven –
Happy and flexible children are calm, happy, adaptable, regular in sleeping and eating habits, positive in mood and interested in new experiences. Fun loving and playful, they love to be the center of attention. They respond to new people, even strangers and enjoy sensory input and interacting with people and their environment. Because of their easy style, parents need to set aside special times to talk about the child’s frustrations and hurts because he or she won’t demand or ask for it. This intentional communication will be necessary to strengthen your relationship and find out what your child is thinking and feeling.
Very intense and sensitive children are often fussy, irregular in feeding and sleeping habits, low in adaptability, fearful of new people and situations, easily upset with noise and commotion, high strung, and intense in their reactions. They tend to be shy and do not respond well to strangers interacting with them. They are usually sensory sensitive, especially as a baby and they are happiest when in a calm, relaxed state and become difficult when over stimulated.
Slow to warm up and adapt children are relatively inactive, reflective, tend to withdraw or to react negatively to novelty and new situations. But their reactions gradually become more positive with experience and continuous exposure. Sticking to a routine and your word, along with allowing ample time to establish relationships in new situations, are necessary to allow independence to unfold.
Difficult, active/feisty and bossy children are often fussy, irregular in feeding and sleeping habits. Usually very active and fearless and tend to hurt themselves and other children in their enthusiasm, they love to master new skills and to win. Parents need to address any bullying behavior from a very young age. They push boundaries and challenge their parents for control. Providing areas for vigorous play to work off stored up energy and frustrations with some freedom of choice allow these children to be successful. Preparing these children for activity changes and using redirection will help these children transition (move or change) from one place to another.
Your Parenting Style and your child’s temperament
The match or mismatch between a child and a parent determines the harmony between them. Temperament, however, is not set in stone. Although temperament has been shown to be consistent over time, family environment and life experiences can make a difference.
Parents who are sensitive to their child’s temperamental style and can recognize the child’s unique strengths will make family life smoother.
For example, when faced with a new situation, a parent of a slow to warm up child may need to be patient and allow him more time to assess a situation. A difficult child may need advance rehearsal of the expected behavior to help her deal with the new situation. Obviously, all parents and children are unique and not easily categorized. Most will show characteristics of several styles, but over time, one style generally prevails.
What are the different Parenting Styles
As all parents know all too well, parenting is complex, and there are no easy answers. The interaction of many specific actions and attitudes on the part of parents come together to affect a child’s development. Parenting style refers to the broad overall pattern of parental actions, rather than to a single act.
Types of parenting style
Descriptions of parenting styles grew out of the work of Diana Baumrind and other researchers in child development. They looked at children who had the qualities most of us would want in our children: independence, maturity, self-reliance, self-control, curiosity, friendliness and achievement orientation. The researchers then interviewed the parents of these children to ascertain which elements of parenting fostered these qualities. They identified two important ingredients: a) responsiveness, or warmth and supportiveness, and b) demandingness or behavioral control. Four styles of parenting, as listed below, are based on these elements.
1. Authoritarian style, or extremely strict, parents are highly controlling. They dictate how their children should behave. They stress obedience to authority and discourage discussion. They are demanding and directive. They expect their orders to be obeyed and do not encourage give-and-take. They have low levels of sensitivity and do not expect their children to disagree with their decisions. If you are an authoritarian parent, then you tell your child exactly what to do and what not to do. The rules for behavior are very clear and you as the parent are not very flexible when it comes to the rules!
You as the parent control most of the decisions that are made in your family. You probably set goals, not only for yourself, but for your family. You give rewards and punishment. Your children know what to expect from you and what your expect from them. Things are clear and there is no ambiguity. The roles in the family are clear. You are fair and sensitive when it comes to both rewards and punishment. You do not give out rewards, nor punishment in an arbitrary fashion. The rules and expectations are clearly defined for all. Your children know what to expect from you and also know what is expected of them. You can be confrontational at times – especially when your rules and expectations are being challenged.
2. Equalitarian (Authoritative) style, or moderate, parents set limits and rely on natural consequences for children to learn from making their own mistakes. Equalitarian parents explain why rules are important and why they must be followed. They reason with their children and consider the children’s point of view even though they might not agree. They are firm, with kindness, warmth and love. They set high standards and encourage children to be independent.
As an Equalitarian parent, you give your children choices. Your family probably operates more like a team and your children feel like they like in a democracy up to some point. As a parent, you probably are the type that likes to set your own goals and when it comes to your family’s goals, they are set together as a family. Decisions that impact the family are made as a family and problems that affect the family are solved as a family. The atmosphere in your home is of team spirit. Your children have a voice in the family and your communication style is open and effective. You and your children are good at negotiating compromises. You have rules and expectations for the whole family and for your children. Reasons for rules are explained and there are reasonable consequences for all behaviors – reasonable rewards and reasonable discipline. There is room for flexibility and rules and consequences are modified for depending on the situation. Children can ask for rules to be changes based on their needs. Parents are responsive to their children’s needs and maturity. Discipline is viewed as an opportunity to teach the child a lesson that the child will need to learn as he grows up.
3. Permissive style, or indulgent, parents are accepting and warm but exert little control. They do not set limits, and allow children to set their own rules and schedules and activities. They do not make demands about behavior as authoritarian or equalitarian parents do. A permissive parent takes a gentle approach to parenting. You let your children be and intervene when you think or see your children getting off track or getting into trouble. You allow your children to have a lot of space and like them to have ownership of ideas.
You encourage your child to be his or her best, to act compassionately and emphatically. You help them tap into their own internal motivation and help them use their need for self improvement, personal achievement and even guilt be their guide. You know your child’s buttons and will use them to guide your child in the right direction. You encourage freedom of expression; you allow your children to voice their opinions freely and encourage their creativity.
4. Uninvolved (Passive) style parents demand little and respond minimally. In extreme cases, this parenting style might entail emotional neglect and even abuse.
The neglect of a child happens in our day-to-day lives. An inattentive upbringing is a major reason for problems in our society. People who grow up in an environment of indifference with a lack of parental or guardian care, can become criminals, drug addicts, and alcoholics more often. The studies of scientists in the field of psychology indicate that 95% of seasoned criminals didn’t get proper attention, love, and care from their parents in their childhood. The neglect of a child is a sight that is not only witnessed in unhappy families as it’s thought to be.
In many functioning families, many of which have a rather high status, the parents know almost nothing about their children. They rarely communicate with their children, spend little time with them, and try not to go deep into their children’s problems. The causes of such parents’ behavior are absolutely various, as are the effects of an inattentive bringing up. A lot depends on the conditions of the children, the parents’ lifestyle, and the degree of indifference.
Contact me for an Assessment of your Parenting Style and to see if it is a good fit for your child’s Temperament.
Your children are not
They come through you
but not from you.
And though they are with you
yet they belong not to you.
You are the bows from which
your children as living arrows
are send forth.
The Archer sees
the Mark upon the path
of the infinite,
and He bends you with
His might that His arrows
may go swift and far.